I Grew One Flower

I’ve been spinning my wheels for months trying to get my business up and running. Leaving community mental health and starting a private practice seems like a great idea until you realize that you are the brand.

I was able to sit with that discomfort and managed to create a website and Psychology Today profile that I’m fairly happy with. But it feels so vulnerable.  Anyone in the world can see my diagnoses and disabilities and shortcomings.  They can also see my accomplishments, which feels equally vulnerable.  As is common with AuDHD, I don’t like to be perceived. But alas, you cannot help clients who do not know you exist.

So that’s where I’ve been stuck for a while.  How do I sell myself without being visible?

I started an Instagram account but have been noncommittal about it and spent way too much time on the few posts I have made. I didn’t even tell anyone about it because I wasn’t ready to be seen. [Thank you to the people friends who started following me organically <3 ] I also found myself returning to something I recently heard on a podcast. They said don’t do social media if you don’t like social media, because that will just lead to resentment.  #Truth. So I continued to ponder, what do I do?

What I did do was continue to ruminate and avoid.  That is until this morning, when something finally clicked…

I went outside to water my garden.  For context, I do not have a green thumb. I decided this year that I would just grow a bunch of wildflowers. If they grow in the wild, surely I can do it. They’ll be beautiful and the bees will like it. So back in late May, I “planted” wildflower seeds. I had a large bag of seeds–plenty for what I needed.  I started sprinkling them on the soil and before I realized it, I had used up most of the bag in one corner.  I tried to scoop up some of the seeds with a dustpan to spread them out to the rest of the garden bed, but it was not my most successful endeavor. 

To my delight, it wasn’t long before they began to sprout. I hadn’t failed! One section was very dense and the rest of the sprouts were very sporadic, but I grew something! And the little leaves were so cute!

Before I knew it, nearly two months had passed (see ADHD Time Blindness) and not much had changed. After a recent heavy rain, I noticed that the greens looked much happier and realized I probably wasn’t watering them enough.  Since then, I’ve made a more conscious effort to try and water them daily. But still, as of yesterday, all I had was just scraggly greens. I wondered if maybe I should just surrender.

This morning I went outside and begrudgingly turned on the garden hose. I began haphazardly showering everything while feeling cranky and uncaffeinated. That is, until I noticed a flash of orange. I paused and looked closer. It was a flower!

I grew one flower!

That one little flower completely shifted my mood and my mindset. I felt a sense of accomplishment and a spark of inspiration. I decided to ignore the negative thoughts in my head telling me that this is a pathetic accomplishment when other people can grow vegetables and literal humans. I recalled recent conversations with friends about challenges they are facing. I returned to a notion I had yesterday about the significance of perspective. I considered the fact that blogging is allegedly good for SEO and gross-ass AI. And I reiterated to myself that nobody needs more doom and gloom or sugarcoated BS. What the world needs is more realness.

Amid all of these thoughts, the question became, “How can I [my brand] be helpful to others without me hiding behind the shame that reinforces the mask I’m simultaneously trying to shed?” and “How can I share my struggles and lived experienced without feeling too exposed or fueling my imposter syndrome?”

I have a tendency to forget that other people aren’t aware of all the ways I feel like a failure.  They see a relatively normal and functional [albeit weird] person, but not the immense energy and mental anguish it takes to show up that way.  Society tells us that our worth is in productivity and shows us that everyone else is living one big highlight reel.  So in neurodivergent land (where brushing your teeth once a day is likely to be a significant accomplishment) we build shame. Shame that will weigh you down like crushing ocean depths.

I’m quite aware that I’m not alone down in the trenches struggling with ADLs (activities of daily living) and everyday socialization. Still, I downplay my “stupid” and “silly” victories when I see others raising families, running marathons, and simply participating in society without needing days of recovery time.

But today’s revelation reminded me that the smaller we make ourselves, the more we perpetuate the notions that make us feel inferior. I decided that I’d rather feel vulnerable by boasting about subjectively minor accomplishments than feel miserable and stuck living in comparison.

And that is my brand.

So I’m choosing to stop pretending that I’m functioning and to be a voice for those of us who seem okay on the surface but harness every ounce of energy to do so. 

That said, I grew one flower.  I feel proud, excited, and hopeful.

If you actually read this, thank you. I encourage you to say one thing out loud that you’re proud of, even if it’s boasting to your cat that you cleaned their litter box.