What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this?
Have you ever found yourself spiraling after saying or doing something that was probably not a big deal, but since you’re unsure, you analyze it relentlessly until it practically turns into an existential crisis?
The Scenario
Perhaps you’re at a restaurant with someone you’re trying to impress, like a date or a business prospect. The server brings your food and says “enjoy your meal” and you impulsively respond “you too.” Then you realize that “enjoy your meal” was not a reciprocal statement like “have a good day.” You feel slightly embarrassed but it passes quickly as you enjoy your food and continue conversing. When it’s time for dessert, you can’t make a decision, so they choose something sharable. Next thing you know, you have chocolate on your shirt. They don’t make a big deal about it and you laugh it off. Overall, you think the date or meeting went well.
Fast forward to 48 hours later… you haven’t received a text or an email that would validate that it did, in fact, go well. So your mind begins to wonder…
The Spiral
Did it actually go well? Maybe they think I’m stupid. I’m such a fool for getting chocolate on my shirt. Who does that? Why can’t I ever make decisions? I looked so weak. Why would anyone ever want to date me or work with me? I’m going to be alone forever. I’m going to lose my job. Why do I always do this? Why can’t anything ever go right? Everyone else is so much better than me.
You recognize that you’re spiraling and are aware that there are a thousand other reasons you may not have heard back from them. Perhaps that causes you to spiral more. Eventually, you turn to the internet to try and figure out what’s wrong with you.
The Magic
As it turns out, other people on the internet have been in incredibly similar situations. You suddenly feel less alone. Your thoughts begin to slow down, and you realize that maybe you’re not the worst person in the world.
As humans, we have an innate desire to be understood. It’s so much easier to exist when we feel like people “get” us. That’s the magic. Validation and community can be incredibly powerful.
For neurodivergent brains, the concept of feeling understood can be much more elusive.
Undiagnosed teenage/twenty-something Sara put the song “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls on pretty much every mix cd.
“And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am”
I wanted so desperately to be understood. And as it turned out, I didn’t know myself either. So I followed the rules. I went to college. I got married. I got a job. When I hit 30, the schema fell apart. I got divorced, had a queer awakening, switched careers, and discovered that I actually had my own values. Layer by layer, I came to a better understanding of myself. In time, I even realized that I actually liked myself. Finally, I could be understood, right?
Nope. There was still something missing. I allegedly liked myself, but still felt fundamentally incongruent with the real world. In my bubble, everything was okay. But in the real world, I lacked the conviction to show up as my true self. I still felt misunderstood.
[Up until this point, everything I’ve written so far is deeply human–the spiraling, the magic of validation and connection, the trial by error, the identity crises. These are common human experiences that can be supported by most therapists.]
Where the story diverges…
As I became engrossed in mental health and psychology–both professionally and personally–the dots began to connect. The game changed when I discovered that my brain literally functions and processes information differently than 80-85% of the population! Finally, my whole life made sense.
For the 15-20% of us whose brains operate differently, we often feel like we have to justify things and overexplain ourselves in order to be understood. But remember the magic of feeling understood?
That magic is so much more powerful when neurodivergent minds collide.
That’s where neuro-affirming therapy comes in. An neurodivergent therapist likely has an intrinsic understanding of things like:
How hard it can be to brush your teeth or wash the dishes
How you can get so focused on something that you forget to eat
How impossible it feels to accomplish anything without a looming deadline or external motivation
Constantly forgetting what you’re saying or why you walked into a room
Trying a new hobby, not immediately being good at it, then adding it to the mountain of other things you were briefly interested in
Being SO deeply interested in something that people are sick of hearing about it
Having your day derailed by a wet sock, too many sounds, or other sensory nightmares
Your sexual orientation and relationship style may deviate from the norm
Being at a much higher likelihood of having co-occuring mental health conditions, hypermobility, dyslexia, dyspraxia, PMDD, GI issues, MCAS, POTS, ARFID, endometriosis, and more
Things like poor interoception, executive dysfunction, and alexithymia can can be barriers to common therapeutic interventions
What might look like anxiety (such as restlessness or avoiding eye contact) might actually be a healthy coping mechanism rather than something to overcome
The Moral of the Story
What’s wrong with you?
Probably nothing. Humans have unpleasant emotions, get trapped in terrible situations, repeat unhealthy patterns and experience all sorts of things that we’d rather not. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It means you are a person on planet Earth.
Why are you like this?
I don’t know. I don’t know you. I don’t know what “this” means to you. Maybe you’re just a jerk?
I’m kidding! We’re all shaped by a million different things. But when your “this” is due to autism, ADHD, or other neurodivergences, there might actually be an explanation that helps you understand and accept yourself. And there’s a whole community of people who already get you–no explanation needed.
